but I miss being pregnant. I know, I know, it may sound crazy and ridiculous. It may sound selfish as we have two little healthy bundles but I was only pregnant for a short 26 weeks. I was feeling great, still working and my doctor was sure I would make it to 35 weeks. He said I would be huge and I would feel miserable but he was positive I would be okay. Ha! Little did he know Carter had other plans to enter the world super early. I guess this is what they call post postpartum depression. I don't think I'm depressed but I think about this stuff every day. What would life be like if they were born at 32 weeks or even 35? It was my job to carry these babies and I couldn't even do it. Carter and Luke only had a 70% chance to live. I don't know what went wrong. The doctors didn't know what went wrong but sometimes I just feel so guilty for everything the boys had to go through. Spending 89 days in a hospital is no way to enter the world. They weren't suppose to be given blood transfusions and fed through a tube or use a machine to breath their first breathe. That's not fair to them. Why does God allow these things to happen?
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| Carter opening his eyes |
I don't think we will ever know and these questions will remain unanswered forever. Looking back at old pictures, the best part..... the captions I used to save each picture.
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| Carter's first diaper change |
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| Carter finally grabbed on |
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| Weighing Luke |
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| Luke squeezing Mommy's finger |
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| Luke's second blood transfusion |
All these milestones that meant the absolute world to us. Every moment was followed with thoughts of what if this is his first and last time to open his eyes or what if he never squeezes our finger again. This experience was life changing and when everything seems so great in life, you never think it will be Y O U R family.
We thank God every day for these miracle babies and we are such strong believers in the faith of God. His power to heal is one amazing thing.
I have felt this way a lot as well. I did make it further than you but I often wonder what it would've been like if I'd had been able to carry them longer. I also miss being pregnant, still. I think it's all very normal thoughts. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are right these are very normal thoughts. Yes this was supposed to happen to them and you. You are an amazingtestimony to God's plan for lives. It shows how much we are not in control and that God is. You lived through this, it made you stronger and you are able to encourage someone else going through a similar experience. It was totally a part of your plan to only carry them 26wks. I too miss being pregnant (at times) and I made it farther with my twins than my single by a wk. I wonder what it would have been like, but don't stay there wondering... it was all part of His plan. Next time maybe you'll make it to the end! :)
ReplyDeleteTake care and enjoy your sweet boys!
Hugs!